Nobody knows the Depth of My Depression

It's probably my own damn fault since I don't take the meds for my malady when, nor as often as I should. I still have it in the back of my mind that if I could just 'buck up' and pull myself together, then I wouldn't need the damn meds to keep me 'happy'

It just seems to take away from the idea that there is a God for me, nor responsibility for sin, if I need a med to stop the pain.

For example when I am frustrated instead of telling myself maybe things will look brighter in the future, I say 'maybe I will just go ahead and kill myself...that will show them.' It's a type of thought of revenge for how miserable I think my life has been.

But what's to be miserable about. I have a lovely wife and great kids. The money situation could be better, but it's not the end all and be all of everything. I know that if I put in the work and the effort my business could be much more successful. I could do quite well for myself. The problem is that I HATE NO. I hate rejection. I figure if they are telling me NO, it is a personal reflection on ME. THEY HATE ME! It's not them that HATES me. They could give a SHIT about me. What they really are doing is being too preoccupied with themselves to worry about me.

I just sometimes feel like crying a river of tears. I HATE BEING DEPRESSED!!!! I just want things to go well and to be happy.