Resignation From New York Life

I resigned from New York Life and am looking for a regular 9 to 5 type job now. I tried insurance and financial services and was not good at it. I think people just don't have money nor interest in it. I had some of my 'warm market' hang up the phone on me and yell at me, believe it or not. I had one person stating that I was too pushy! Yes, you know who you are. I was just following what I was taught. What a joke. People will associate with you for years, and you mention to them that you can offer them insurance and they act like you have the plague. Sorry, but it is a Necessary item that you SHOULD have.

But I won't be the one twisting your arm about it. Far be it from me to be offensive to anyone to get them to part with their money when they would rather spend that money on lipstick, shoes, and comic books. Oh well.

Now like I said I am looking for something else that will help us pay the bills. Probably have to downgrade quite a bit though. Not that I was making any money before anyways.

I just figured out WHY I have a HARD TIME SELLING

So I call my mom to ask her if I can talk to my Dad because I forgot to wish him a happy birthday yesterday.

She then asks timidly if it might maybe be okay if maybe she and my dad come and visit next week if it would not be so much of a problem. She is talking to her son and is that timid about it! Wow. Now I know where the fear of talking to people comes from. She doesn't want to inconvenience them, nor cause them any problems or cause any waves at all, or they might not like her, and she wants everything to go smoothly. I have that in me. I hesitate contacting people because I don't want to offend them, nor make them mad at me or hurt their feelings. Gosh golly. No wonder I am having such a hard time.

Now I have some things to discuss with Tina about what to do next.

Nobody knows the Depth of My Depression

It's probably my own damn fault since I don't take the meds for my malady when, nor as often as I should. I still have it in the back of my mind that if I could just 'buck up' and pull myself together, then I wouldn't need the damn meds to keep me 'happy'

It just seems to take away from the idea that there is a God for me, nor responsibility for sin, if I need a med to stop the pain.

For example when I am frustrated instead of telling myself maybe things will look brighter in the future, I say 'maybe I will just go ahead and kill myself...that will show them.' It's a type of thought of revenge for how miserable I think my life has been.

But what's to be miserable about. I have a lovely wife and great kids. The money situation could be better, but it's not the end all and be all of everything. I know that if I put in the work and the effort my business could be much more successful. I could do quite well for myself. The problem is that I HATE NO. I hate rejection. I figure if they are telling me NO, it is a personal reflection on ME. THEY HATE ME! It's not them that HATES me. They could give a SHIT about me. What they really are doing is being too preoccupied with themselves to worry about me.

I just sometimes feel like crying a river of tears. I HATE BEING DEPRESSED!!!! I just want things to go well and to be happy.

Trying to Get More Exercise is Hard to Do

I found a park with a really nice river to go walking the trail by today. I walked for about 20 minutes 1 way, and then headed back for 20 minutes the other way getting in about 40 minutes for a walk. I realize that my little tire on the front of me is causing my back some pain and I need to tame it or it will cause me no end of trouble in the future. It's and extra weight that shouldn't be there, and I now get the meaning of the term 'spare tire.'

Testing Out the Picture feature

I understand that I am able to put pictures on my blog. This is my first attempt trying it.

What Did I want to be When I grew UP

From Writing Prompt Journal

I guess I'm grown. Here was my ideal.

A psychologist with my own business, writing books, and making $.

An Entreprenuer- To bad I don't have an idea for anything really.

A History Teacher at a college boring millions of kids.

A Seminar Speaker or Radio Talent.

A Lottery Winner.

Teacher or Class that had a Great Influence on Me

From Writing Prompt Journal

Actually I probably would do a disservice by leaving someone out.

Mr. Hall- History Teacher. Taught me to love history, and I still do.

Ms. Parker - Exciting Astronomy teacher. Made me love astronomy.

Mr. Taylor- Almost went into psychology.

Mrs. Hayworth- FBLA advisor, nice older lady. Boring as a teacher, but helped my interest in Business.

Mrs. Evans- At South High. Fueled love of history also.

Frau Bates- Learned more German in 1 quarter than for 3 years with another German teacher.

Conversion to the Gospel

From Writing Prompt Journal

Am I converted to the gospel would have to be the REAL question? I know that it teaches many great things, but I am what you would call a questioner (still am), about certain things. I do though feel the spirit at times, and I have had a couple of experiences that have helped me. You will learn this anyways. I read every Anti-Mormon (my faith I was raised in) there could be about the LDS Church, and I have read every Apologetic thing about the LDS church, and with all that reading still can't pin down sometimes what I truly believe. I did almost leave the Church about a year ago because of the Anti-Mormon things I had read, but they are bitter (former members)and didn't offer me anything any better. I finally have been in the Book of Mormon, and I believe I am starting to get a glimmer of a testimony back. Not from the apologists view, but from my own readings. I do feel that true or not it is one of the most powerful books ever written. I do feel more peace trying to live that lifestyle, and I don't feel as bad. So I know that I should either be hot or cold. I just sometimes wish my mind wouldn't question so much.

Important Lesson learned

From Writing Prompt Journal

The most important lesson I have learned, which I sometimes have to relearn is that the value of a person is dependent on what is inside, and not determined by the affluence of the person on the outside. By valuing a person by how much money they have, or make is almost making the person into nothing.

Learning to Drive

From Writing Prompt Journal

I took drivers education through my high school at West High. We had a small track that we would drive around next to the school. We would learn to parallel park and how to back up, etc. I had a drivers ed teacher who reminded me of the drivers ed teacher from 'The Naked Gun' "Now normally you wouldn't be driving the wrong way on a one way street." He had nerves of steel.

I would also go driving with my Dad. He was very stressed out. One time he said "turn here", meaning at the next street, but I "turned here." right when he said it, and almost hit the oncoming traffic. My brother took over from then and taught me how to drive a stick shift. My Dad still can't drive a stick without making the car jerk a little. My brother was cool, he taught me how to drive without stressing like my Dad.

I have to admit that I would scream too if I was almost driven into oncoming traffic.

Summer Holiday's or Outstanding Trips as A Child

From Writing Prompt Journal

My life outside of my local neighborhood resided around one place pretty much summer after summer, and holiday after holiday. The place is kind of like a second home to me because of the time spent there. The place I am referring to is Timberlakes Utah. It was a settlement of cabins in a sagebrush and aspen filled area with a few evergreens located east of Heber Valley about 10 miles. We would load up the icebox with sandwiches and the water cooler and take about an hour drive from Salt Lake City. We were building a cabin on some land (about 1 acre) my dad had purchased for $8000. We would go up and I spend my holidays and weekends digging ditches, moving gravel, and doing a lot of wood carrying, and basically helping my Dad with his dream of building a cabin (which at this writing, isn't done) I guess looking back, it wasn't much of a weekend vacation, and I kind of hated going up there. I always thought, for the money he is putting into this, we could go to the Grand Canyon or someplace like that. I guess I kind of resented the cabin because it always seemed to come first in my Dad's life. I always felt like I didn't know anything when I was trying to help him because every time I was trying to learn something new, my Dad would get impatient and throw me out of the way so it could be done faster. For all the homebuilding and construction I saw, it is amazing to me how little I know. It really is kind of sad. I had more exposure to the trades than most people, but ask me how to build something, and I am clueless, and afraid to use a hammer almost.

Writing Prompts

So I found a journal of writing prompts that I did, and I think that I will add them to my blog so that they can be online. I have no idea when I wrote these, except that I had to be married at the time because I remember my wife and I both writing them up.

January 08, 2010 Frustrated

I am in kind of a sad and depressed state lately. I have been trying to get started in the Financial Planning business, but I am having a really hard time getting anyone to talk to me. I almost have all of my licenses and will be taking the Series 63 on Tuesday next week. I have been doing a lot of studying, but I sometimes wonder if all of it is in vain. I am SO FRUSTRATED. I don't want to be poor anymore! I am TIRED of always living paycheck to paycheck, or my wife's paycheck to paycheck is more like it. I haven't really made a cent a a few months now on my own. I have been helping my wife with her Avon business, but that is not the same thing. I feel so worthless and useless. Sometimes I feel so bad I feel like up and killing myself because I think I would be worth more dead with the insurance money my family would be receiving then I would be alive. I then sometimes think that if this thing don't start going, I will need to go get a boring 9 to 5 job. But at this point I am really thinking that I might just need to do that. Except that the ONLY jobs that seem to be available are SALES jobs and NO ONE has any MONEY to actually buy anything. It's really depressing.