This may ramble
I think I have figured out why I have such a hard time forming attachments to people, including my family. I always freak out when even my Dad tries to give me a hug, so my skin really crawls when someone in church does it.
So I think subconsciously I have decided for my own mental sanity not to form close relationships, my wife being the exception, though sometimes I am aloof to her too.
Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the murder of my coworker at the place I used to work at. I was especially close to her, and I knew I had a crush on her (yeah, I know, lock your heart)and think that I may have been in love with her. Not one day has gone by when I haven't thought about her since then.
Then this week a kid I drove to school got hit by a train and was killed. This brought back the memories of course of all the other people who died before their time, including my former coworker.
One who died trying to avoid a deer
One who shot his brains out in high school
another one who committed suicide
My cousin who died in a tragic gun accident
My cousins wife who was murdered (though I didn't know her as well as the others)
My wife keeps telling me that maybe they accomplished what they were supposed to while they were here and it is their time to go, and we should be thankful of the time we had with them.
To compound that, I am still trying to find a decent job, and we are still repairing from the flooding that happened up here in December.
My wife says that things will start going better when I put my full trust in God. He hasn't really given me much to put my trust in. I have been a bit more participative at church, mainly because that's where my friends tend to be and I am getting something social out of it despite my lack of a testimony.
I wish I knew for sure what happened when we die. It may be very wishful thinking on my part, but I would like to see my friends and loved ones again who had been so tragically taken away.
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